© Jo Hewitt THE TEAL MANGO, 2012
Okay. I am going to sound totally evil. I am going to pull an Andy Rooney on you.
Van drivers just piss me off. I am not talking about professional drivers making deliveries in the course of their work day. They are doing their jobs. I am talking about the people, mostly women, who just have to have a van to drive. You know, hauling all those kids to soccer practice and carrying all that equipment around all the time.
Well, it is rush hour, there are no kids, no equipment, just you and your van blocking the road as you putz around, sidling from lane to lane. Do you really need it? Does most of your driving necessitate a van? There are no kids or sports equipment in there now.
But you really need it you say. Okay. Fine. But learn to drive it. Stay in your lane. Keep up with the flow of traffic. Accelerate appropriately when the light turns green.
But it is not your fault you say that: the engine doesn’t accelerate quickly and really doesn’t have enough power, that the steering has too much play and you can’t drive in a straight line, that the mirrors aren’t positioned properly to see the traffic appropriately and compensate for all your blind spots, and that because of these conditions you say it is not your fault that the traffic lanes are too narrow and you need two to drive on and your favorite position is on the line between the lanes.
The situation inspires a vernacular in me that almost compels me to join the navy. Instead of those words, I will say:
Learn to drive the darn thing or please stay off the roads when the rest of us are trying to get to work and don’t have the luxury of time while you fumble and ramble on your way.