© Jo Hewitt THE TEAL MANGO, 2012
My heart has been playing Russian Roulette with me again. About a couple of weeks ago, I had started having intermittent chest pains again. Some days I am okay and some days I am not. Some moments I am okay and some I am not.
There has been pain today and it has continued off and on this evening. I am tired. I had given up on doing things this evening and decided to go to sleep. I set Pandora to my Anugama shuffle of songs. As I lay there the piece that was playing was Healing Earth.
I tried to visualize myself somewhere else-somewhere with no pain. An image of a tree appeared. I could see the colors. I could see the back of a form of me standing next to the trunk, under the protection of its bough. I was alone. I looked to see who else was there, who might be coming. No one came.
I didn’t know where I was. I didn’t know where, what vision I could manifest, in what place I could place my soul that it would be happy and at peace. I feel I have failed; I have failed my soul and its life and opportunities here in this realm.
This is not the life, and this has not been the life I had imagined for me five years ago, ten years ago, nor 20, 30, or 40 years ago. Where is that life ? Does my soul suffer in bearing this life as my heart seems to do? To where has my soul disappeared in its search to find some peace? Has its heart been broken and pained as mine feels now? Has it gone in search of its own world of peace? Where is its happiness? Where has it gone? Where is my soul?
Lives Not Lived
The Muse at Sunrise by Alphonse Osbert